I couldn't sleep at all last night. At 4am I was considering just staying awake. It was shortly afterwards that I drifted into a slumber, only to be woken an hour and half later by the alarm clock, buzzing into my brain.
"I can't imagine you grumpy," said someone the other day. I'm quite glad nobody has to see me at 5:30 in the morning after a restless night.
I had to get to work early today so that I'd have enough time to take a longer lunch-break. I had arranged an appointment with a mortgage advisor to find out what I might be able to afford - the first step in the race for the merry-go-round. Armed with a small file of printed bank statements and payslips, I calmly explained my situation.
I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable about it now, I think. About two years ago, I'd had a similar chat which hadn't gone so well. The lady at the bank had asked me all sorts of personal questions, including whether I'd considered that I might get cancer ('well one in three do, you know') and how able I thought I'd be to pay the mortgage if I became disabled. I understand why she was asking but it was a bit of a shock back then, and she didn't do it very nicely. There was none of that this time.
In fact, I'm feeling a bit lighter. The green light is on; the next stage on the journey is to get on with the house hunting, keeping my eyes open for that miracle I'm looking for.
How do you spot a miracle? When I was young, some 'considerate' people told me that I ought to make a list of the qualities I was looking for in a wife.
"Write it down," they said, "And... be specific!"
I was too young and too shy to tell them that I was horrified by this idea. I thought it would constrict me to a single ideal, which I would clearly never find, all the time, rejecting possibilities who didn't match the check boxes. I also thought it was a horrible way to objectify such a beautiful process, reducing it down to a list. I never did it. Make of that what you will.
However, I think looking for a miracle with a house is a slightly different affair. I'm hoping that somewhere will click, like home from home from the very first moments inside the door. Additionally, I know what I need to look for. Also, for it to be a miracle it probably ought to be just about impossible.
So, I'm looking for a somehow-impossible two-bedroomed house or maisonette with enough room to keep a cat, a sunlit garden and a spot for the piano.
I wonder what my life will look like in 5 years' time?
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