CORPORATE WACKINESS AND AN ALMOST-FULL CAN

I really like the weight of an almost-full 330ml can of 7Up.

Okay, it doesn't have to be 7Up specifically. But there's something very pleasant about the feel of a can of whatever, just after you take the first sip.

Not full, mind you. No, I'm not so placated by all 330 millilitres. In any case, you skoosh open the can and take a swig before you have a chance to think about it most of the time.

It's the second sip that's the sweetest. And it's largely down to that pendulous can, reminding you that the best is yet to come.

I was enjoying that very specific weight, outside, at lunchtime today. The sun was warm; the breeze was pleasant. Even the geese were happily sleeping in the shade of the tall poplars by the lake. I cracked open a 7Up (a Friday treat) and glugged it.

"Wahey!" came a shout from across the water. I looked over. The people who run the park have put on activities for the people who work here. A group of guys in their thirties were having a tug-of-war.

Soon, there were more people. Wheelbarrows flashed in the sun as the racing kicked off. One person lolloped in it, another person awkwardly pushed it over the bobbly grass.

Nearby, some women cackled as their colleagues did an egg and spoon race.

What was unfolding... was clearly a primary school sports day... for people who work in offices.

They were having fun at least. I watched from the other side of the lake, surveying the action. I think I might be an old curmudgeon.

Someone was setting up a swing-ball. Another group of office types were launching basketballs toward a makeshift hoop.

I don't have a problem with people having fun. I think, if I'm honest, what I have a problem with is me, not having fun. I don't enjoy corporate wackiness, and clearly a lot of my own colleagues had quietly disappeared off to the pub to avoid it. I missed the invite again.

Corporate wackiness only ever works if everyone takes part - and of course, because that togetherness seems to be the aim of corporate wackiness, rather than the (actual) prerequisite, it makes it mostly embarrassing for people like me who like a quiet lunch and a perfectly weighted can of 7Up.

What I mean is, you can't take part in that kind of thing on your own. That would have been weird and sad. And in the great equation, I think I worked out that it was actually slightly less weird and sad to sit across the lake and curiously observe it.

I don't like it when the can gets down to the last sip. It rattles around, reminding you that it's only just a little bit thicker than tin-foil.

I like it to be more than half-full, a thing of substance, heavy and deep. I've always liked things that are substantial, heavy and deep.

It's probably why I'm no fan of corporate wackiness.