THE QUIET BOFFIN IN THE CORNER

I went to group last night and sat there silently thinking.

I don't know what to do.

What I mean is: I often feel as though I'm right on the edge of something deep and nebulous, and I won't be able to (as in I don't yet have the words to) explain it to anybody. The only option I have is to say something safe, or nod along with everyone else's comfortable thoughts and go home feeling as though I'm part of something.

I surely can't be the only person who thinks like this?

Half of Everyone rings in my ears:

"You should be free to be yourself, Matt. Say whatever you think! Let it out and never worry about what anyone thinks of you!"

And the Other Half of Everyone whispers:

"No-one will appreciate it, you'll go home feeling alone again, carrying that feeling that you've said too much. Keep quiet, say the expected thing and you'll fit right in."

So which half is right?

I looked around. What if everybody else thinks like this? What if all of us are locked up inside, deeply processing and thinking but always reducing ourselves to the safe let's-just-fit-in option?

In the end, I tried explaining what I could see. I sounded terribly pompous, but at least I gave it a go.

Perhaps that's it then: perhaps the real me is actually pompous and arrogant? Perhaps I'm secretly a bit of a smugtwit, always trying to be the deepest, the most profound, the outest-of-the-boxest, quietest boffin in the corner?

I hope not. I hope people are more important than stuff, even the stuff that goes on between my ears.

One of the things I should definitely get better at is listening to others and responding to the deep stuff that's hidden in their subtext. Perhaps that's the ultimate balance - listening carefully, then gently provoking the deepness in those around you.

It feels like the ultimate form of diplomacy - not dwarfing someone by volleying tangential thoughts at them until they shrug their shoulders and change the subject, not patronising them, but not squashing them either. I reckon I can do that.

In fact, I reckon I'd like that too. Plenty of people in my life think deeper, cleverer, smarter and better than I do - the last thing I would like is to feel as though those people are running rings around me, deliberately or otherwise. So I must not make other people feel like that either, intentionally or not.

I went home mulling it over. I definitely think I want to be myself, and I definitely don't think I can change the focal length of my thoughts. So I don't see myself trying to pretend to be anybody or anything else.

But before all of that, what I really do want to be is kind.

Somehow, that seems way more important.