EXHAUSTED AND UNASSERTIVE

I am exhausted. I think I mean it too - drained of all useful resources, and not just physically, but in my brain and in my heart too.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning. It was still dark. Outside, somewhere in the park, a fox was howling. The noise had interrupted my dreams like a weird siren, and now I was blearily fumbling for my phone.

It is physical exhaustion then; at least partly. I lay awake thinking everything through, trying not to worry. Then it was bright and time to get up.

I got stuck in the traffic again. Sunlight caught the edges of metal bumpers and gleamed from wing mirrors. The radio was full of talk of Brexit and babies, and whether or not you should flush wet-wipes down the toilet. I vote no.

I'm emotionally exhausted too, I reckon. I can't exactly explain why. I just know that I don't have a lot left in the tank. I tried to give advice to a very cynical person yesterday, and quickly realised that there was nothing I could say to help that didn't make me sound like I was part of the invisibile conspiracy that apparently is making the world so specifically evil for them. That hopeless conversation reminded me that these days, the hardest thing to change is a person's mind - even face-to-face.

I'm also caught in the unexpected-assertiveness-loop. I've been here before - it's when you start being assertive with people all of a sudden, and they're so shocked by it, they start interpreting it as coarse and abrasive, when actually it's just unusual for someone who isn't normally assertive. Then, instead of being cautious, I make bold decisions... which are often rash and wrong, and need unpicking.

It must seem as though I'm on a sort of grumpy mission to frustrate the people around me... which is so unlike me, they all assume there's something wrong.

Which there is. And so I back out of the unexpected-assertiveness-bravery and kick off the problem all over again by being soft, sheepish, compliant and nice, yet quietly thunderous with myself.

So, I need a little replenishing. That's okay, I think I know what to do, or at least kind of where to start. I might not be able to be change minds, but I can change my own. And I can be determined to put kindness first, even though I sometimes forget.

And maybe I need to land somewhere that's comfortable, between sheepish and arrogant - right in the middle of that tricky assertiveness triangle, instead of veering outside of the lines like a toddler doing colouring-in during a tantrum.

I also need to sleep better, and I definitely should try to ignore the foxes out there at 4:30 in the morning.