OPEN WINDOW

I’ve been a bit negative recently. It’s not my intention; it’s just happened. Plus it feels like a difficult season.

Yesterday morning, I woke up, and it was really cold. September eh. The sun was catching the tops of the trees in the park; the cloudless sky was bright blue.

And it was freezing; I’d left the window open. My sensible move for those sweltering summer nights had suddenly become an outdated choice for what was now, undeniably the autumn. Funny how quickly the seasons change.

—

I might go on holiday.

For a few reasons though, I have to wait a while. I’d like to find some super-sunshine and a place where I can go on holiday from my own head - a chance to somehow cheat the seasons and find summer where I still need it. But... it depends on a few things. Oh, and I probably have to come back.

So. How do you cheer yourself up in the meantime? How do you overcome the sinking feeling that you’re not supposed to let yourself feel so down, the other sinking feeling that it’s all your fault anyway, and the other other sinking feeling, that you, yes you, just don’t deserve amazing?

Well. Worth recognising a trio of lies isn’t it? Maybe some real truths will spin me back into more summery climes? Truths that tell me it’s not my fault, that depression is a complex chemical condition, as well as an emotional response to stress that’s outside my control. Truth that reminds me who I am, and that whether anyone else thinks it, or believes it, or says it or not, God made me ‘amazing’ and never once changed his mind.

—

You know what I think I should do tonight? I think I should shut the bedroom window.