QUESTIONS FOR THE COFFEE PEOPLE

“Costa?” she said, eyebrows raised, “You may as well make it at home.”

“I quite like it, to be honest,” replied a colleague, “It’s better than Starbucks anyway.”

Furious nods. I quite liked his bravery.

“Yeah but it’s still not great is it?” she retorted.

I shrugged. You are perfectly welcome to consider Costa as expensive ditchwater if you like. But clearly a lot of people do like it, as much as they like other well-known high-street purveyors of what is essentially always only ever hot-water-poured-over-some-beans.

Now. I’m not a coffee person. I don’t know what a chemex does, and I don’t know whether you should keep grounds in the fridge. I like my coffee as a pure combination of hot water and tea with (and I’m really quite specific about this) no coffee.

So maybe the Coffee People can help me understand. What is it that makes a ‘proper’ coffee? What does it need to taste of? What does it need not to taste of? What makes it good? Clearly there are some universal standards you all agree on - otherwise how do you know to furiously reject St Arbuck so categorically?

It’s possible that the universals I'm looking for are the criteria that make a bad coffee, rather than a good one. I imagine that you don’t need it to taste like it’s microwaved washing up water, or as though it's been squeezed through a mangle.

I imagine that it can’t be insipid - either in flavour, or in punch. It has to be stimulating for a bleary-eyed Monday morning. It has to have caffeine in it, and it has to enough pizzaz to kickstart you out of the half-sleep you woke up with, and bring you fully into the day.

I’m guessing it should have some flavour - potentially a smooth texture, perhaps you like it a bit fruitier, or sharper, or sweeter? But that’s completely up to you, isn’t it?

Beyond that, I can’t see what makes it decent. And I can’t see why people get so worked up about it. Froth-to-coffee ratio? Palm tree design neatly sprinkled on top? In a solid cup instead of recyclable cardboard?

I am sorry, Coffee People. I may have enraged or even baffled you. That’s okay. You can help me, especially if you have a sort of esoteric glow around coffee, and you love taking about it as much as you love actually drinking it. I really do have no idea why it can be so great, and why it’s so different to liking, say, types of orange juice, or flavours of crisp.

What I will say though, is that it can’t ever be right to mock people for what they like, even when they don’t know any better. There’s not really anything big or clever about sneering about Starbucks or Nero - for some people, that’s a very accessible, very pleasant treat. And there are others who are quite happy to break open a jar of Gold Blend at home and scorch the flavour out of it with freshly-boiled limescale. I’m really happy to leave them to it, if that’s what they like.

So, what is that makes a good coffee? Help me out. I’m a tea-drinker who likes slightly smoky, but also smooth teas with a dash of almond milk. What about you? What floats your coffee boat?