THE THREE GNOMES

It was a wild morning. Rain smashed into the concrete and the wind threw handfuls of it angrily against the windows. Meanwhile the sky rolled overhead, cruel and battleship grey. I was grateful to be indoors.

I was watching all this from an upstairs window. I could see shimmering slates and wobbly television aerials, and a misty backdrop of sky and water-tower, almost hidden by the veil of rain. Garden fences were blowing back and forth in the wind, and empty washing lines were spinning in their gardens.

My eyes drifted to next door’s garden. They’re the kind of people who like collecting stuff, mostly for their children, and then completely forgetting about it. Like a sort of sculpture park of wild trampolines, old footballs, and broken bits of old toys, the exhibits poke up through the long grass.

There was something new though today. Something different. Standing upright near the back fence between the hosepipe and a pile of old pots, there were three oversized, quite terrifying, garden gnomes.

They’re big. I mean bigger than normal, hip-height. Two are the traditional bearded, big-eared goofs who look like they’d garrotte you with a ‘Hi Ho!’; the other, angled as though he’d just deliberately turned to face me, was a gnome dressed as a rabbit.

He had beady black eyes and a cutesy smile from ear-to-ear. He carried a little basket, and he grinned terribly. Two ears stuck out at angles from his round, shiny head. I almost wanted to call the pastor to ask whether it was theological to cast demons out of porcelain. I had a feeling though he’d have recommended I stop being so silly.

Ears static in the wind. The gnome rabbit stared into my room, through the howling wind and rain, smiling, unperturbed.

“Do you reckon they’re going to put them out the front for Easter?” asked Sammy, coolly. I could not think of anything less Easterish than three petrifying gnomes on the front lawn, an anti-trinity of china, striking fear into the local children. I said I hoped not. I might have to spend Easter in the car.