GRIZZLY-BATTERED CHICKEN MORSELS

We were in the garden yesterday, fixing up our hosepipe and planting some lavender. It was fun, but nowhere near as fun as it seemed next door, where our neighbours were blasting music while the kids bounced on their trampoline.

Sammy came out of the kitchen and set to work on a lavender pot. I was still dripping wet thanks to not quite connecting the hose to the reel properly.

I’d also been distracted by some of the most incredible lyrics I’d ever overheard…

“I just listened to an entire song about chicken nuggets,” I whispered. I was mystified and not just a little bit wide-eyed with bafflement. “What’s that all about?”

“Chicken nuggets,” said she, laughing.

It was ridiculous though - listen to this:

I eat chicken nuggets when I pee

I eat chicken nuggets while I'm in a tree

I eat chicken nuggets when I'm drinking tea

I dont want five or ten, I want 23

Talk about lazy song writing. It’s as though someone had five minutes, a gun to their head, and a rhyming dictionary.

I mean the song is all about how this person is basically in love with chicken nuggets so fair enough - love is no respecter of where you are or what you’re doing, but if you’re eating chicken nuggets while you pee, you need to have a good long look at yourself. That (asides from being a quarter of the way to ‘doing an Elvis’) is disgusting.

In a tree is a better place for gallumping your poultry bites, but it does prompt a few questions. Would you climb a tree with your chicken nuggets, or would you have the chicken nuggets delivered to the tree? Are you in a tree house or just perched on a branch? What’s the context? I feel like I need to know because this is worrying behaviour.

Then there’s drinking tea. Not the usual accompaniment to a pot of earl grey, but understandable if you really do love a chicken nugget. I’m no expert though but would you normally drink tea with nuggets? I’d have thought most nugget connoisseurs would prefer a gulp of Fanta. It’s not my place to criticise, and admittedly, tea is perfectly fine with the grizzly-battered chicken morsels, but I think I’d still recommend, ooh I don’t know, maybe a digestive biscuit?

And by the way, 23 is both weird, and let me tell you, too many chicken nuggets. Where are you going, to order exactly 23 chicken nuggets? Or are you cooking them yourself from frozen? 

I must be old, I thought to myself. Then I remembered I was in the garden, wrestling with a hosepipe and helping my wife plant some lavender in some lovely plant pots. The kids next door should be in no doubt whatsoever about the age bracket of their neighbours.