I’m on hold again. The music’s actually making me anxious - which, if you think about it, is kind of odd.
Why would anyone add anxiety-inducing musack to an already stressful situation? Yet here we are: a short loop of some funky 80s tribute act, throwing in a little slap bass and some synthesiser over a clicky old drumbeat.
If you ask me, this is what AI should be used for. AI should be able to work out, from my vocal prompt, the exact situation in which I find myself, and the nature of the call - then create exactly the music to play for me.
It should be able to craft me the single-most perfect collection of beats and rhythms designed to set my mind at ease, to take my mind off say, the gas bill, the doctor’s appointment, the home insurance people.
You sound stressed, I imagine the algorithm saying. You need something to slow your heart rate down - here’s some lovely smooth classical music. Or, something interesting! Something unheard of. Perhaps even lyrics to make me laugh! Come on AI, you can do that, surely!
“You’re on the phone to no-one, list’nin to these crazy tunes… won’t be long, you just gotta hold on… Craig’ll answer soon.”
Hey, it’d make me laugh. And then Craig would have a more pleasant time of it too, once he actually picks the phone up.
Don’t know why I picked Craig there. I just imagine it's going to be Call-Centre Craig who likes a few pints after work, plays a little five-aside at the weekend, and lives with his mum. AI could work out who it would be that would pick up the phone and adapt the song accordingly I reckon. Sally? Likes cats, still uses the pencil case she got in Year 10. Angela? Close to retirement, but really knows her stuff. Likes a G&T most evenings and once went on Countdown.
Well. Anyway. For now we put up with the loopy lift music. 4/4-time, basic chords, no jazzy inflections or dynamics, no progressions - just plastic sunshine on a grim afternoon of admin and anxiety.
Come on Craig. Pick up, mate.
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