I think something odd happened to me today. Not a specific thing, not a story I can tell as such - just a brief moment when I wondered whether the world was quite the way I’d thought it was.
I suppose you know what I mean. Someone just said the smallest thing, most insignificant thing to me at work and I suddenly realised in a flash that I was not at all in the situation I thought I was.
I have to say, I do not like these flash moments. I like to be right. I like to be on top of everything that happens and I go about my life with a hardwired assumption that I am. It isn’t conceited. I think we all do this; it gives us confidence. We’re trained in the subtle art of atmosphere and situation detection and it’s second nature by the time we reach adulthood. Tried and tested.
And then - tried and failed. A flash moment comes along. You don’t think of me like I thought you did sir. You won’t say so, but you will show me. In fact you already have, haven’t you? And now the world is different. So next time I go to Oxford, I must be different too.
The thing is, I don’t know whether or not to be thankful for flash moments. They’re turning points, sure, so that’s progress - but also they’re a little bit painful - like when someone tells you you smell or that your work is poor. Though, this wasn’t that blunt - more of a micro signal that put me on the map towards a home truth. But forgive me, I’m confusing my metaphors. What I mean plainly is that a particular connection with a particular person is now not the connection I thought it was, and now that I know that, I have to change a little. Ouch. But also good for me.
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