I STUDY SALES PEOPLE IN THE WILD

How do you get into car sales? I’m not looking for a change of career, don’t worry. No, I’m just intrigued because I’m sitting in the car garage, waiting for the car to be MOTd and I’m suddenly noticing the sales people.

I find sales people fascinating. I’m not one, despite me liking to think I could do anything. I know I’m not built for that world, and so whenever I’m around them I feel a bit like David Attenborough, watching extraordinary creatures from a layer of distance.

And here they are. Remarkable. At some level I think these are the kind of people who end up on The Apprentice; ambitious, young, bold, charming. Sometimes calculating, and always with a single eye on the money. I’m beguiled by it sometimes - is this niceness an illusion? I seem to be falling for it. When I’m parted with my cash, will this person switch it off and no longer like me as a person? Will I be driving home in a lemon while they buckle themselves into a Ferrari?

I admire the focus of the car sales executive. They like winning, and they don’t understand why not everyone feels the same. They probably make Monopoly a nightmare. But they do know what they want, and they are determined to go for it, and that I think is noble.

Today they’re flitting about with nervous couples, anxious to make the right choice. They sit on one side of the small round table, the sales person sits on the other. Shiny shoes, pressed trousers, corporate fleece, and shirt and tie poking uncomfortably underneath. In the summer, I’d wager that fleece is a jacket, and the sales manager lets them forego the tie for an open shirt. The shiny shoes, like the shiny floor beneath them, are almost certainly perennial.

Paperwork, twiddled pen, tablet. He leans forward. Half their age, gleaming eyes. I can’t hear the conversation, but the picture reminds me of a sort of underwater scene for some reason. Perhaps it’s the fish-tank glass and artily placed plants.

My guess is that as they grow, sales people gradually realise that it’s always been about people. I’m not an expert, but it seems obvious that the real point of a great sales transaction is that both parties go away with the better deal -  both exchanging one thing for another and feeling good about it. Life is transactional, but believe it or not, it feels greatest when everybody wins.

And it’s exactly that point that makes me terrible at Monopoly.

Anyway, the car’s ready. I suppose the MOT is a transactional affair. We keep the car roadworthy, the government lets us drive it. We prove it by asking professionals to test it, they take our money and then look carefully at the brakes. Then I get in and use those brakes to avoid crumpling my car into the back of a van marked ‘Mr Squeegee’. And that would be another transactional affair wouldn’t it? See, much better when everyone wins.