GRIEF CONNECTIONS

I woke up with a really fuzzy head this morning. I’m still not thinking straight - which is a challenge for my colleagues; I mean, how are they to know the difference?

Anyway, I reckon it’s grief. I’m still upset about Paul, and last night Sammy and I were planning whether it makes sense for both of us to go to his funeral in Saffron Walden next Monday. We concluded that I should go, and that Sammy should stay at home.

I’m not upset about that decision. That’s okay. I think I am still upset that it is a real thing that’s happened, that I can’t just ring up Paul and talk to him about it, that somehow in the last few years I lost touch with him, that he died young, and that now this journey to Essex feels like a sheepish kind of way of saying I’m sorry, that I’m thankful, and of course, goodbye to my old friend. Grief is heavy for a human heart isn’t it? How can someone carry all that?

I also realised that grief makes you cling to connections. We all want to protect and control our connection to our loved one, and it’s a powerful instinct because letting go of it would be irreversible. The person on the other end is gone. That’s why I need to go on Monday. I know it’s selfish but I need to see my connection. And I think we all do, which is awkward when it’s someone who made such incredible connections with a huge number of people.

What I hope is that it’s also beautiful - a kind of network of connections, a web that shimmers and sparkles with memories and love. Difficult and beautiful - seems like a good summary of how grief feels.

So, a fuzzy head. It’s cooler today so that should help things. They say we’re between two heatwaves though. Next week could be scorchio. Plus, I’m not sure I’ve caught up on sleep properly from my journey home from Spain, and tiredness interferes with everything. Grief and tiredness, with a possible broiling journey up ahead. What a combo.