A TYPICAL TATTOO GREEN

There’s a man who’s had a huge tattoo of the World Cup with the words ‘England World Cup Winners 2026’.

He’s been sure of it, he says, since the game where they beat the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Apparently, if it doesn’t happen, he’s going to add the words ‘only joking’ in brackets underneath.

Tonight (I barely need to say) England play Argentina in the semi-final, and as usual the national mood flickers over the centre point drawn by wild hope and apathy. If they win, they play Spain in the final. If they don’t, they play France in the third-place playoff, and that man with the hideous tattoo has some tough choices to make.

In a way, I admire his faith. It is faith, isn’t it? To do something like that? To be so confident in your team that you do something basically irreversible to your life to prove it. There is something to like in there, even though I think it’s crazy. Wait a week! I mean you’ll know for sure by Sunday. You might even know tonight if England lose.

We’ll watch it. I’ve no clue what will happen and I was really wrong last time. Push me and I’ll say 2-2 in normal time, with penalties to follow. Classic England. But who knows? Not me. And not, I’d wager, tattoo man.

It’s crept back up to 30 degrees today. Cool mornings followed by hotter afternoons. I stood outside today looking at the sky, feeling the burning sun on my skin. They say this is the new normal now for English summers. I made a note to myself to research exactly how heatwaves come from climate change. I get the greenhouse effect, certainly. But I think there are holes in my knowledge about the heat transfer and weather patterns that result and why. One thing seems clear: this didn’t use to happen, and now it seems to happen every summer.

It’s not much of a joke is it though, ‘only joking’? In 20 years’ time he might still have that tattoo up his leg - England World Cup Winners 2026 (only joking) - and his grandchildren will ask him why he did that. It is faith, but it is misplaced - dependant on the micro-chances of a football being the right temperature as it curls through the air, the tightness of someone’s laces, the sun being at just the right angle, a noise from the crowd, a misheard instruction, a pre-match electrolyte, a moment of anger or loss of control. There are so many things that could go wrong or right, it makes it something of a lottery.

There are far greater things to have faith in, in my opinion. I just like the idea of being unaccountably bold about what you believe, and who you believe in, and then nailing your colours to the mast. But then I would.

Deep-down, like the man with hope and ink in his veins, when it comes to my own faith, I secretly don’t think there’s any need to add ‘only joking’.