I walked across to Sainsbury's today. I'm looking for a pair of gloves. They had none. No gloves. In fact, in the place where the gloves really ought to have been (next to the scarves obviously) they were selling woolly hats and garish Christmas jumpers. I might have to get a Christmas jumper this year for a work thing. I can't quite work out why they have to be so ridiculous. I don't want one that lights up, has fluffy bits sticking out of it or one that features cartoonish penguins and ski-ing reindeer. We've been over all this haven't we? I ranted about this last year.
Anyway, for some reason, I managed to set the alarm off as I walked out of the store. The security guard came rushing out behind me.
"Excuse me, excuse me!" he shouted. "I think the alarm went off, sir!"
"Oh OK. I don't know why that would be."
"Did you buy anything today?" he said, looking me carefully in the eye.
"No," I said. "I didn't buy anything." I made absolutely sure that my body language conveyed the truth by holding my hands outside of my pockets. In my peripheral vision I saw a woman looking at me with eyes that could burn holes through bricks.
"OK then," said the security guard, and went back into the store, apparently satisfied.
I can't help thinking this a less-than rigorous system of security.
I ambled along into Next, and headed into the menswear section where I was immediately hugged by somebody I know, who thought I needed a hug but wouldn't say particularly why. Have you ever wondered whether reality is really, you know, actual reality? I sometimes think I'm inside someone else's practical joke.
"Can I help you sir?" said a young man in a white shirt and a thin black tie. I blinked myself back into the universe and then asked him if they had any gloves. He showed me over to the small rack at the side of the shop.
You can get gloves nowadays that you can use with a smartphone! No more having to take them off at the bus stop to check your twitter feed or send a text message. I picked up a little pair with the 'Touch Screen Friendly' label hanging around them.
They were fingerless gloves.
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