Still, nonetheless, that's how I feel, in this final week of the process. Me, disorganised, unable to make big decisions, frightened of legal documents and hopelessly awkward at talking to strangers on the phone - I have nearly done it! I have very nearly done something massive, which frightened me silly.
I don't want to pull the party poppers just yet though. There are a few days left to navigate, and this last stretch of water needs some focus. It is literally the home straight.
What Nelson Mandela knew was that sometimes fear gets right in the way of something that is wholly achievable. Like a fog, it clouds your judgement, convinces you of your inability to see it, to grasp it and to make it. Fear shrouds the mountaintop and whispers doubt upon the wind. And you always have a choice to make about whether you're going to listen to it, or like Mandela, hacking rocks in the blinding white sun of Robben Island, ignore it and believe that you can make a difference.
I'm not saying that buying a little flat compares to being in prison for twenty seven years. I'm just saying that a while ago, five years ago perhaps, this point would have seemed impossible to me, but somehow... miraculously, it is done. Well, almost done, anyway. I've got documents to scan and upload tomorrow and those unsociable solicitors have to do some chin-wagging. I'll let you know when you can pull those party poppers.
The result of all of this is that I feel much more confident in taking on bigger battles. There is a warrior in me who is waking up. If I can do this, if I can I overcome my terrible admin skills and irrational fears, what can I do next? What can't I do? What great impossible challenge is still on the old self-improvement to-do list? What's next on Planet Gogetter for this Ketchuppy old soul? What excitement lies round the corner? What's not possible?
I almost can't wait to find out.
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