SMARTPHONE DOWNGRADE

I don't want to be paranoid about it.

I don't want to imagine that somehow Apple have a sneaky algorithm that monitors my searches on Google, works out I'm looking for a new phone and then deliberately sends my existing phone into a sort of electronic meltdown.

I don't want to imagine any of that.

Co-incidence then, that this morning my phone told me that it was 3:17am at 8:30?

Co-incidence then, that it now takes about a whole second to display the screen after pushing the power button?

Co-incidence then, that some of my apps are suddenly no longer supported and 'might slow [my] iPhone down'?

This kind of thing never happened with the old Nokia 3210 did it? It was quick, responsive and simple. And you could charge it up on a Friday, go away for a week without a phone charger and come back with more than half your battery!

There was nothing more distracting about it either, other than a sneaky game of Snake on the bus! You couldn't dream of checking flumpbook with your 'mobile' or taking a photo with it.

You could message someone for 10p, sure, while you sat there watching the world fly past the windows of the Number 17. But you only had 120 characters per text, and there was never any guarantee that it would get through to the other person.

If they managed to get a message to you though, your phone would pulse like a radar in your pocket, loud enough to cause the bus driver to tut. And if you'd left your Nokia on vibrate, your entire leg would wobble with radioactivity.

It would hardly seem worth it either, once you'd fished inside your pocket, wedged the brick out of your jeans and pushed the clunky button, only to read:

WUU2?

I think I'm going to have to give in then. Some day soon my iPhone is just going to run out of memory, grind to a clunking halt and refuse to switch itself on altogether. And I will fold my arms stubbornly and tell everyone that I beat the shiny shinies in the glass-windowed world of glistening corporate greed.

Although I'll have to tell you all by smoke signals or yoghurt pots or something, I suppose.