FROSTY

I can’t stand Frosty the Snowman.

Sorry. Just needed to get it out. I’m in Starbucks for an after-work tea, and they’re playing Christmas music again. We’ve had a sort of crooning Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, and a 2mph labouring version of The First Nowell. Now it’s this chipmunk-infested nonsense.

At what other time of year, would any establishment designed for the general public, play this kind of squeaky silliness?

It’s supposed to be a heart-warming tale of a snowman brought to life by a magic hat. Instead of screaming and scattering in all directions, the children actually dance around it and then take it into town, where I think (the lyrics aren’t all that clear) Frosty melts to his inevitable death, in front of a nonplussed policeman. I hope the kids kept the hat.

Thumpety thumpety thumpety thump.

What does that have to do with Christmas? Snow? Only 1 in 20 Christmases are white - not exactly statistical correlation. And anyway, the festive season isn’t even referenced in the song.

And why are the chipmunks singing it? And why is that supposed to be charming? It isn’t. It’s annoying. And I’m grumpy. Why can’t the chipmunks let me grumpy?

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Meanwhile I see they (the powers that be, not the chipmunks) have uncovered the first drawings of Scrooge. A first edition of Dickens’s ‘A Christmas Carol’ with hand-painted pictures of the old miser meeting his ghosts in his pyjamas.

He looked vaguely familiar.

Anyway, Starbucks have moved onto a sort of Aretha Franklin type of wailing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry... it’s actually kind of terrifying. Not exactly the kind of thing for a trumpet to solo over in a 5/4 link. 

Still if he’s giving out magic hats... actually I’d settle for soundproof ear muffs, thanks Santa.