THE NEXT DOOR MUFFLED MOVIE FILM QUIZ

I’ve got a new game: lie in bed and try to work out what film next door are watching. Success rate so far: poor to middling.

What film has weepy, emotional strings over the sound of large animals grunting? Was there a chick-flick Jurassic Park movie I missed?

Clue 2. Traffic (car horns) and a Matrix-style monologue from a mumbling Morpheus. I don’t think it can be that though. I don’t remember large animals.

The other day I heard the Universal ident. Unmistakable. Then it went quiet and I fell asleep.

Oh. Someone just went “oh no no no no no” and then a huge thing collapsed. Drama. Now all the characters are talking at once. I think... I think I hear Tom Cruise.

So. So far it’s The Impossible Jurassic Story Reloaded, which let’s be honest, I would totally watch. One man, doing all his own improbable stunts, fends off killer double-agent robots with CGI dinosaurs... in a tale as old as time.

A roll of thunder. Timpani and stormclouds. Someone shouting into the wind. Music. An orchestral stab. Our hero is off with a purpose I’d wager. The robots are clinking behind him. Punch, swing, fight. An enormous thud of a giant footstep. Something roars. The sentinels clatter to the ground as the horns swell into a climax...

Wait. What in the world is this? I’m not even joking but we’ve now got Meatloaf singing something like opera. What? That’s how it ends? Tom rips away his Jeff Goldblum mask and it turns out he was Meatloaf all along? This is weird.

So anyway, this is game is pretty much impossible. I think I shall call it The Next Door Muffled Movie Film Quiz.

I can’t wait for the next one. And if it’s not The Impossible Jurassic Story Reloaded II then there will be epic trouble.