SAYING GOODBYE ON THE PHONE

You know in films, why don’t people say goodbye when they put the phone down?

If it’s dramatic news, they silently lower the receiver and gaze into the middle distance so that we (and all the other actors in the room) have a chance to ask what’s wrong, and move the story along.

If it’s an outrageous plot twist, they might swear violently, and then slam the phone down like a blacksmith’s hammer. But most of the time they just click off the call, snap a cell phone shut, or end the conversation abruptly. Just like that.

I’m asking because I had a phone call from my old pal Tom today. We had a lovely long chat about writing, about being a priest (him, not me) and about studying, song writing, life, and potty-training (again, him not me. And not him either really; he’s a father of two).

Anyway, I heard myself end the call in the least Hollywood-fashion imaginable. I went full on ‘dad’ for some reason:

“Yeah thanks bless you bye now bye, cheerio, God bless goodbye... [whispered] bye...”

How come you never see that in your summer blockbuster big-budget flicks?

“Mr President, all our efforts have failed. The time for that decision has come sir, with due respect. The Russians are about to strike, sir. We need to act. What are our orders? Sir? Sir?”

Furtive glances round the Oval Office. The president sighs deeply and removes his spectacles, resting his head in his one free hand. A steely gaze as he breathes deeply and speaks into the receiver...

“Launch, colonel, launch it. And may God have mercy on our souls. ‘Kay thanks yep speak soon, god bless now, yep love to your family, cheers now, bye. Yeah bye...”

Admittedly, I don’t get a lot of phone calls. I don’t make a lot either. My last few seem to have been to old friends I haven’t seen in a while, or the Intrepids to tell them I’m on the way over and that they should pop the kettle on.

Maybe I’m out of practice. In the text-based-world, where WhatsApp and Messenger are replacing SMS faster than you can say “What’s a Text Message?” the conversations do just sort of peter out, reaching natural endpoints, as people go to sleep or simply stop responding, or can only find a suitable ‘lol’, ‘x’, or relevant emoji.

It’s entirely possible that telephone conversations are so old-fashioned and so definitely abrupt that we don’t always know how to end them effectively.

Maybe Hollywood has it right then? Perhaps the most efficient thing is to hang up when you’ve simply both finished what you were saying. But isn’t that just the same as wandering away from someone mid-chat? I can’t be the only person who finds that sometimes excruciating to work out! And on the phone, there are even fewer clues that that’s the thing to do.

The trouble is, I’m English, and I’m plagued by the imps of politeness that have long dwelt in these foggy isles of Anglia. I’m not sure those imps are ready to let go yet. At least not without a protracted handshake, a ‘catch you later’ or a ‘cheerio old bean, yeah bye now take care bye...’