I’VE SAID TOO MUCH

I’ve been in a few meetings this week where I’ve had to debate whether or not to say anything. I don’t mean I was angry and worried about exploding; I rarely explode, and never (I hope) in public.

What I mean is that my thoughts were racing. It’s happened a lot this week, and it’s been a really good test of self-control. Typically, a discussion swims into focus around the table. Opinions follow: some based in experience, some not; some from emotion, some dispassionate and brutally honest.

I don’t know why, but there’s something in me that’s always searching for the meta-conversation in those meetings - the supertext of clashing fears, emotions, politics, hidden agendas. You can read it in the body language, feel it in the air, even sense it in the spirit sometimes. And for some reason, I constantly find myself working out how to speak into both realms at the same time - above and below, detail and context, natural, and yes, supernatural. And it’s very difficult.

So this week, as I’ve sat silently at the end of a table, I’ve been trying to focus and listen and watch. Perhaps you do the same? It’s fun, interesting, and tense; the tension coming from wanting to contribute, smooth it out, or use words to appear as wise or apposite but refraining. There I’ve been, like a wizard in a corner, silently going mad with thinking.

Of course, I’ve failed, mostly. I’ve said something after all (irresistibly) and it’s come out like a garbled mess, seven steps out of sync with where the rapid-moving conversation has gone amongst my peers. 

And swiftly moved on, they have.

Well, as I say, it’s very difficult. The Bible extols silence though - Proverbs 17 says that ‘even fools are thought wise if they keep silent’ - which is wisdom indeed! A lot of foolishness spews from garrulous talk, and the art of holding the tongue, the email, the Slack comment, in a room of booming voices, is dwindling.

So maybe I’m on the right lines? Maybe silence is golden, even when you feel as though you have an important thing to say and your heart is bursting for a space to say it. Or maybe it’s about being strategic, patient, determined, observant.

I’ve got it wrong this week - loads of times. I’ve seen reactions from both the discussion and the meta-conversation, flaring up, lighting up, smoothing down and running over. And it’s made me stop and wonder.

Which is okay. Isn’t it?