ONE-DOWNMANSHIP

I’ve been thinking about kindness this week. I asked someone the question about whether they think it’s dying out and they looked at me strangely and walked off.

Here’s what I mean. For some reason, our culture is about one-upmanship these days. On social media, threads and threads of comments are people trying to add to a joke, to be funnier or cleverer or more spiritual than the one above, or even to spin the thought into a new angle that nobody’s thought of. In conversations, people far prefer to be correctors rather than corrected, and lots of us (me included) are forgetting how to be corrected gracefully. It seems that the goal is to be one ahead in every situation.

Astutely, you might have spotted the irony in me pointing this out. I of course, can’t help with that, other than to say that is only context for what I really want to talk about, which is kindness.

I think kindness is one-downmanship. At least, it should be. It should be notching yourself down a peg, falling behind a lap, kneeling, reaching, helping, lending your strength to those who need it. And that’s the reverse direction to what’s fast becoming the norm.

What’s more, one person’s up is another person’s down. If kindness really is one-downmanship then it’s quite easy to see that it could establish a power balance without even trying. “Let me help you with that” is often met with “It’s okay, I can manage.”

No-one really wants to be at the weaker end of the seesaw. Oh it affects me too by the way! I can’t lift my piano by myself, but I very rarely ask for help. Very rarely. And sometimes when people offer, I feel quite proud and wounded. 

That’s why I’ve been wondering whether kindness is tougher than it used to be. It’s made me wonder whether it has to be anonymous to survive. It’s at its best when everybody’s certain that there’s an imbalance between strong and weak. It’s easier to be grateful to a mysterious benefactor than a person you have to awkwardly thank.

So, what’s to be done? Perhaps we ought to recognise who we are, what our weakness are, what we can’t do (it’s 32kg my piano) and what we need the kindness of others for.

Also, we should show kindness regardless of whether it will be accepted, and regardless of what it establishes about the power imbalance between the strong and the weak. I know that’s tough, but a culture of one-downmanship will only prevail if it’s brave in the face of rejection.

Then there’s the secret weapon: being thankful. I reckon that might help restore a little balance itself. I need help. I’ll let you help me. I will be thankful.

And as for one-upmanship? I’m going to try knocking that one on the head and learn from any wisdom I see out there that I haven’t the wit to think of. Especially if it comes from a heart that genuinely wants to help people, and not someone showing off! I think it might be critical to recognise that difference.