IN WHICH I SORT OF REVIEW A BOND MOVIE

"I expect you'll all need a drink after that," said the weary-faced manager. I won't name him.

Well quite. It's been a rough couple of weeks. As Friday drew to a close and the whole horrid 'reduction in force' process ended, I closed down my laptop and poured myself a good sized glass of apple and elderflower squash.

I know, but it's Friday and it was after 12.

What I did do tonight, for a bit of escapism with my apple and elderflower squash, was watch Skyfall - the Bond movie from 2012. Bond, that most unlikeable of heroes strode into the gun-sight, turned and fired his Walther PPK at the screen, like he always does. Then he spent two hours racing about, saving the world for the... what was it, 23rd time? Plus, he did it all while wounded and, as usual, three-sheets to the wind. Bond.

"Waste of a good scotch," he said, shortly after the baddie killed a woman that James had just promised to help ( who for convoluted reasons, had just been balancing a shot glass of whisky on her head). That kind of thing has always jarred me against 007. Callous. 

"What took you?" asked M at the big finale. Bond had been strangling a man to death in a frozen lake, having just blown his own house up.

"Got into deep water," he jollied for no-one's benefit (I mean what was M supposed to do there?) There's something very British about covering up the very serious with the lightly humorous, but that, Mr Bond is just cold.

Having said that, I do actually like a Bond movie. Something child-like stirs when I hear the 60s electric guitar play that theme, or the tuxedoed Bond jumps into his 1964 Aston Martin DB5. It's a sort of nostalgia for an old version of me, an older version of him, an an older version of Britain too. I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea though.

I forgot that the National Gallery was in Skyfall. That was a nice little treat.

Because that's a real-world place I love, it got me thinking too, what role I would play if I were in Bond's world of MI6 and international espionage? What would I be?

Well I couldn't be out there fighting bad guys on top of trains and flirting my  around casino tables - that's not me, so the role of smug, womanising super-spy is out.

I couldn't be M either - too much responsibility - and as I've proven, I thrive when those types of people are making the tough calls and keeping calm about it. M is a boss. I'm not a boss.

I don't think I'd want to be a villain. They seem intent on over-elaborate plans like blowing up Tajikistan with a sun laser, or stealing nukes that they can launch from their private islands for no particularly good reason. I'm not that clever, or that devious, or that bored.

I don't even know if I could be Q! In this iteration of Bond, he comes across as a high-tech cyber nerd (played expertly by Ben Whishaw I might add) who has a brain like a computer and a drole sense of humour. Q if anything, is a software developer, the type I've worked with for many a year. And I'm not clever enough for that.

No, I think I'd be one of the operatives in the background - not a Moneypenny or a random-admin. I'd be more of a language decoder who feeds information up to the stress-heads in the situation room, or perhaps a science guy who analyses shrapnel from bullet wounds and can tell you where it came from. I might decode a message that's being beamed from some satellite, or click the zoom button when the big cheeses want to see what's going on in Severnaya. 

You wouldn't see me unless I walk into shot like an extra with coffee - and I'd be a little scared of M actually - but I'd be there, an essential cog in the well-oiled machine of the British Civil Service. While Bond is out "defusing bombs" I'd be packing up my laptop after another week of incredibly important research, ready for Monday, and I'd be feeling good about doing my bit for Queen and Country, even if I have to take the tube and pack my own sandwiches.

Well. I'm not in a Bond film. I'm a technical writer who's grateful to have a job, and also sad that a few of his colleagues no longer do today.

I poured another glass of the hard stuff and swilled it round in the tumbler. It was late. Next time, I thought, I'll have my apple and elderflower squash with a slice of lemon. Yeah that's it. And of course, shaken and not stirred.