ISOLATION DIARIES PART 32: SOME ADVICE FROM ZOOM

Zoom have just sent me an email with the subject line:

"Don't Zoom Alone"

I'm not sure they know how their own product works. First of all, I don't have a choice - I am alone, and it's a world in which I can't be anything other than alone, which is the entire reason for me using Zoom in the first place. So what do they recommend I do? Line up my spice rack with me, this side of my laptop and pretend I'm having a chat with Cumin on mute?

(I don't think Cumin would make a useful contribution actually. Not that that's anything new - five years in and he's still unopened. Cajun or Crushed-Chillis would add a little flavour to my online conversations, definitely, but I'd also be sneezing and spluttering like there's no tomorrow. Plus they'd have to be arranged alphabetically if they were on-screen with me. That's how I roll.)

So then, maybe Zoom assume that I live with other people because after all, most people do, and that therefore I should rope in my family, significant others, or housemates into to my chats, to protect myself from the 'terrible danger' of lone-zooming. Well maybe. But I can't do that. And probably neither would most people, given what I've seen so far.

Or perhaps Zoom don't mean alone in a physical location, but they're cleverly alluding to the togetherness their platform brings by connecting people miles apart? Get everyone involved. Clever eh?

Well no. Not really. That's literally the whole purpose of Zoom isn't it? So to Zoom alone would be completely pointless, like making a telephone call to your own number, or Skyping your mobile from your laptop and getting excited every time one of the devices pings. Who's in the Zoom room? Oh it's me. Big old me, filling the screen again, reminding me of my own lonely old face. It's been up to the satellite and back, you know, why yes I do, Matt, and jolly good it looks too the wrong way round, why thank you sir... Why do you think I'm on Zoom in the first place?

So anyway, thanks for that, marketing people at Zoom. I'll bear that oxymoronic advice in mind, along with, "Please visit the branch to complete your online banking request", "We'll call you to find out your telephone number", and "We're sorry we're closed due to the coronavirus pandemic but please remember, our door is always open to our customers."

And if you see me and my pals on Zoom, feel free to remind me that I need to arrange my spices into alphabetical order.