HOW TO BE LATE

So scientists have decided there’s no such thing as now. Light travels to us, the brain reacts to it - all that takes 20 milliseconds, so what we think is happening ‘now’ is actually the past.

Great. So I’m late for everything after all. I was only thinking yesterday how much I like it when I arrive somewhere early. I was waiting in Costa, with five minutes before Sammy was due to meet me. I had settled into a comfy seat, feeling content and restful.

Turns out I was only 4 minutes, 59 seconds, and 980 milliseconds early! Thanks a lot, boffins.

It’s a contentious issue, this, I know, so I’ll try to tread carefully, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about lateness. There are so many expectations, and whether it’s okay to be late (and how late) seems to depend on the event itself, your required contribution, the difficulty of getting there, the size of the event, the value of it.

I realised, sitting there in Costa, that it needs some maths. So I had a go at putting an equation together to try to work out (if I can) how acceptable it really is to be late for a thing, and by how many minutes. Here’s where I got to.

First there are a few parameters to measure.

Distance/difficulty (D). This is how far away the event is or how awkward it is to get to. For example, if you’re driving to a family wedding 150 miles away, it could be  D=150. You can multiply this by the number of modes of transport it takes, so if you’re going to a weekly book club that’s 2 buses away and on the other side of town (7 miles), it could be D=14 or even higher.

Contribution (C). This how much input you’re giving. If you’re leading or the main speaker, C=10. If you’re just a guest at the wedding, give it a value of 1.

Size of event (S). How many people are expected? Include yourself in this number.

Notice (N). This is the number of days the event has been confirmed and in the diary. For example, coffee might have been arranged 3 days in advance, whereas a wedding could have been in the diary for six months (180).

Importance (I). This is trickiest to define, but it’s about how much impact this event has. If it’s your weekly club, I is probably a low value, say, 3. A once-in-a-lifetime event scores more highly. Probably a maximum of 10.

So, the equation for how late you can be in minutes is:

X = 60D/((CS)+N+I)

This is probably the upper limit of acceptability, given all the data. And of course it isn’t exactly perfect.

Scenario 1. A friend asks you to go round for coffee next week to talk about their relationship woes.

D=2. A short trip up the road.

C=5. You’re likely to contribute.

S=2.

N=4. You have a few days’ notice.

I=6. It’s important to your friendship that you go.

X = 60 x 2 / [ (5x2) + 4 + 6 ] = 6 minutes.

Scenario 2. You’re invited to host a comedy night in North Wales in six month’s time. You can’t go and stay the night before so you have to travel on the day.

D=250. It’s a long way, but you can drive.

C=10. You’re holding the thing together.

S=300. Big crowd expected.

N=180.

I=7. It’ll be good for your reputation.

X = 60 x 250 / [ (10x300) + 180 + 7 ] = 4.7 minutes

Scenario 3. A family party is happening in the next town 20 miles away. For family reasons you have to be there. You’ll have to take a train and a bus to get there.

D=40.

C=3.

S=12. You have a big family.

N=7.

I=8.

X = 60 x 40 / [ (3x12) + 7 + 8 ] = 47 minutes.

All this being worked out, the best way of all is probably to plan to be early for everything. But I get it; not everyone rolls like that.

Plus, if you know me and you’ve arranged to meet me somewhere, I might have accidentally made you think I’m already at the venue calculating how late you are, like a sort of graceless white rabbit. Well. Life’s not that neat. These days I’m very likely to be late myself, so the chances are it’ll be me buffering against the X limit, don’t worry about it.

As if to prove a point of course, Sammy arrived exactly on time at Costa. I didn’t say anything.