TAPS AND TOWELS

Another hot afternoon in the shire, Mr Frodo.

To be honest, probably not the best day to try to fix the leaking bath tap. Nevertheless, armed with two screwdrivers and an adjustable spanner, I decided it was high time to change the washer.

Quick note for Americans: you call them faucets; we call them taps. As usual with these differences, you’re actually sort of right: they were called faucets first, on oak barrels that needed a regulated stopper. At some point after 1776, we started calling them taps - a convention I’m not going to stop here. But we should both be thankful - we could have ended up calling them spigots, and that is a horrible sounding word.

My dad showed me how to change the washer on a tap. I couldn’t have been more than 11. He made it look easy, I remember. I also remember wondering why he was showing me… but now, crouched over a toolbox, sweat pouring from my temples and my hands red with perspiration, I understand it, I think. If I had an 11-year old boy, I’d probably do the same.

It’s fair to say though, that things like this, home maintenance, are not exactly my forte. I wish they were; but I find them daunting and demoralising. And I don’t really know how to get much better at them.

That being said, replacing a washer ought to be a doddle. Turn off the water, flip off the top, unscrew the head, undo the valve, take out the perished seal, replace it with a new one, screw the valve back in, screw the head back on, pop the top on, turn on the water, boom.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’ve hurt my hand and we need new taps. And that’s how good I am at DIY.

The trouble is every time I flunk a job like this it chips away at my confidence for next time. Will I be able to drill a hole in the wall in the right place? Maybe, but my heart will be thumping and my head won’t be right.

Will I find the right door for a broken cupboard? Will I get grout in the tea cups? Will I build something upside down? Will I have to call someone, yet again, to help out? And what does it look like when I say I’ll return the favour someday?

Forgotten how to spell ‘privilege’? Can’t remember what the difference is between ‘that’ and ‘which’? Need to know how to play a G# minor diminished? I sometimes wonder whether I should have done something more practical.

One of the videos I watched said I should put the plug in the bath (to prevent screws falling into the plug hole) and then a towel, just in case I dropped something and chipped the porcelain.

“You don’t want to accidentally cause yourself a much bigger job,” he said. Well, quite right. I do wonder though, how to prevent me getting chipped in the process.