LASER BEANS

"Hey Uncle Matthew, I'm gonna shoot you with my gun. It's a laser gun."

"Nooo!"

"Yes. And then I'm going to fire you with a laser bean."

"Nooo!"

"Yes, and you will eat it and it will laser your heart."

Talk about never losing the wonder. Liam's 6 nearly 7 and he loves making guns out of Lego and shooting them at Uncle Matthew, who either ignores it completely or plays dead until jumped on. I really love that he'd misheard laser beams as laser beans and had created a whole new technological weapon out of a mondegreen. Laser beans would be a fearsome thing to find, busting their way out of a tin, or blowing up a coffee machine from the inside out.

My Mum said it reminded her of me racing round the house with a light sabre (an empty kitchen roll) claiming to be 'Daft Ada'. My Dad laughed, suggesting it was good that she could remember last Christmas so clearly. Funny man.

I went into town today to finish off the old Christmas shopping. It was packed. There were elbows and pushchairs, toddlers and teenagers, handbags and shopping bags and remonstrations and serious conversations... everywhere. I felt like I was floating like a bubble through a world of stress, hovering in queues and glinting down at the rows of shortbreads, Belgian chocolates and mint thins by the tills.

I wonder why we all clamber onto this treadmill so easily every year. Round and round we go, scratching our heads about what to get so-and-so, how to make it original and thoughtful, appropriate and well-valued. The television tells our children that this is what to expect, promoting Santa as the great benevolent demigod of the season who gives free gifts in return for just mince pies and milk. He, fat and bearded, winks knowingly into the camera of course, taking the credit while the parents pick up the bill. And we, like a great sea of saps, we go along with it all. Ho ho ho.

Christmas greetings came through today as well, from my good friend Carlos the Liberator. He asked how I was, gave me an update about his little boy who's now walking, and wished me well. He also couldn't resist including a link to a video about the American Government engineering international politics to protect the dollar from collapse, leading to an inevitable World War III. Merry Christmas, everybody. Now eat up your laser beans.