A FLU BUG AND A JOKE ABOUT MONKS

"I definitely can't cope with another day of this," I said, sipping a cup of tea.

I've got this weird flu bug. I feel constantly freezing, with the exception of the middle of the night when my body turns into some sort of thermo-nuclear reactor and generates enough heat to warm up a small town. Overheating tends to wake me up and then moments later, I'm cold and sweaty. Yeah, sorry it's unpleasant but it is - it really is.

So, I'm clearly unable to get to work. I tried this morning: two coats, one scarf, thick gloves and best foot forward. I got as far as the Co-Op.

"Another day of what?" said my Mum. "This?" she raised a cup of Kenyan with her good hand and smiled. I winked, cheekily.

"Ah," said my Dad. "Have you heard the story of the trappist monks?"

Now, this is a cue, folks - a little warning bell that tells you a terrible joke is hurtling down the word tube. There's no stopping it - the lights are flashing and the barriers are already down. It's all you can do to pull on the handbrake and watch the joke flash past, all the way from 1973. Usually it's "Did you hear about the one-eyed pirate?" or "Tell you one thing about Napoleon". I'd not heard the one about the trappist monks, so I paused.

"There was a silent order of three trappist monks," he said.

"... Brother Sebastian, Brother Christopher and Brother John. They were only allowed to speak for one hour every year, when they went in to see the Abbot. The time came.

'I really don't like the way Brother Sebastian does the washing up,' said John. 'He leaves all the cups on the draining board and gets the tea towels wet.'

The next year, the monks returned for their annual conversation.

'Brother John can't do any gardening properly. There was no good soil and all the crops died before the harvest.' said Brother Christopher.

Another year passed. Finally the time came again for the monks' meeting with the Abbot.

'Is there anything you would like to say, Brother Sebastian?' asked the Abbot, calmly breaking the silence.

'Yes. I can't stand all this arguing.'"

My Dad found this hilarious.

I am definitely going back to work tomorrow.