EXCLAMATION AND INEBRIATION

"With this glorious hot weather this week, make sure you are keeping yourself well hydrated (with water!!)" said the email.

Underneath was a picture of a lady smiling as she unscrewed a bottle of something. This picture, in fact.

"It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible," said the caption, "But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal."

I can't help thinking that the Health and Wellbeing team are undermining their own message there with that cheeky little insertion.

That's it though isn't it? Culture tells you that something is more acceptable if you prefix it with the word 'cheeky'.

In the same way, this is the job of the second exclamation mark (aptly demonstrated by the two that follow the word 'water' inside an equally suspicious set of brackets).

One exclamation mark is a serious warning or a single punctuated ha! maybe at your own witticism or from a sense of urgency. In my opinion, you should never need more than this. It does its job perfectly well on its own.

Two makes the impact of the exclamation mark less serious, which is weird isn't it because you'd think the opposite should be true, but somehow these things divide instead of multiply. In fact, in this case, two exclamation marks may as well be a winky-face suggesting that actually there's nothing wrong with a little wine to aid your re-hydration. I'm not sure science agrees.

Three exclamation marks is the mark of someone about to fall off their chair with either excitement or danger or whatever else there is to get them thumping the keyboard. Unless you've won the lottery or detected an incoming asteroid, I'd recommend avoiding the triplet of exclamation marks. In any case, if it's the former, that's great, good for you (other people will never be as excited about this as you are) and if it's the latter, for the love of all you cling to, don't waste your last precious seconds holding down the shift key.

Any more than three exclamation marks and you ought to have your keyboard confiscated. I can only assume that the 1 key has got stuck somehow and the delete key has been snapped off.

Meanwhile, inspired by the cheeky frankness of the Health and Wellbeing team, one of the marketing guys appended his own monthly update with a humorous list of 40 reasons why alcohol is good for you. It reads like a list of excuses for a 'cheeky' tipple.

1. Because you had a good day.
2. Because you had a bad day.
3. Because, let’s be honest, your day was kind of “meh” and could use something to spice it up.
...
26. Because without wine, your cheese gets lonely.

... and so on.

Well, a little research tells me that more than 9 million people in England drink more than the recommended daily limits.

Alcohol misuse costs the NHS £21bn per year in healthcare, crime and lost productivity costs.

And, tellingly, more than 1.4 million people are dependent on alcohol in the UK. 1.4 million!

I hope none of them work for our company - these emails won't have done them any favours.