CLEARING MY DESK

So, a three day Bank Holiday weekend looms. While my Dad is living it up at Reading Festival, I guess I'll be thinking about a strategy for moving and packing some stuff up.

I decided to do something similar at work, so I've set to having a tidy up.

It's a pretty good job for a Friday afternoon - especially when the rest of the office seems rather pub-addled.

"What are you doing, Matt?" asked someone.

"I'm clearing my desk."

"What?" They were shocked. I decided not to be offended.

"Well I'm.. clearing my desk."

"Who asked you to do that?"

Weird question.

"Oh, well, um, nobody. I just thought it would be a good idea - you know, a change is as good as a rest and all that."

It occurred to me afterwards that I might have accidentally just started the rumour that I'm leaving. I'm not leaving - just having a tidy up. It really isn't that momentous. Put the bunting away.

This is where euphemisms really let you down, isn't it? I bet at least someone somewhere, has hopped around the garden in agony having accidentally stubbed their toe on a rusty bucket. It would be no small surprise to hear an exaggerated report of your own death in such circumstances.

Then there's the confusion over baking. How many ladies have got intro trouble by baking a single bun? And how many people have been guided across the lawn by someone, admiring the flowerbeds, only to realise that they've been led quite literally up the garden path.

Shakespeare's to blame for some of these cliched euphemisms. Thanks to him, it's now impossible to describe what you're doing while out hunting for geese, without someone else thinking it a massive waste of time. Inuits, emerging from their igloos at the first rays of Spring might struggle for conversation and need a small game to regain that sense of community they lost to the harsh arctic winter - or they might need to get out there and start smashing up some icebergs. Thanks very much, Shakespeare.

Anyway, I can't blame the Bard for the confusion over clearing my desk. I don't think he invented that one. While for the rest of the office, 'parting' may well be 'such sweet sorrow', I'm not planning on a 'sea change' just yet, and neither have I been 'sent packing'.

I'll stop now.

Talking about euphemisms I mean. Not working.