I ordered drinks from the bar yesterday. I waited there, clutching my wallet and trying to stay cool.
You know what, every now and then, I feel like I'm a child again. It just sort of sweeps over me in a panic, even now. I pedal fast, grip the handlebars and look round to find that my Dad has let go of the bike and I'm flying. But he's let go. And suddenly I'm wobbling and falling.
Is it normal to still have micro-moments of feeling that way as an adult? I've long suspected that adulthood is just a game played by grown-up children. The feelings of tiny, out-of-place inadequacy are thinly veiled by learned smiles and phrases we've heard and repeated to ourselves a million times.
A million times. I've stood at bars and ordered drinks before. I know what to say, how to be, surely? I can take control of that anxious moment and it will all be fine... won't it?
It only lasted a handful of seconds. A very busy looking lady appeared and started poking the till, then looked at me and asked what I wanted. I snapped out of it and resumed normal behaviour.
I've not stopped thinking about it though. I thought about it today on the phone to the estate agent about something important but boring. Actually, it made me laugh because without being prompted, he launched into:
"Hi Matt, yeah, so I'm waiting for an answer about your question..."
and then went on...
"Just so I've got it absolutely right, what exactly was it you wanted to know?"
I reckon they learn that kind of conversational deftness at Estate Agent School. They're masters at grown-up talk.
Anyway, I'm not sure I like this feeling of littleness. I think I've got some growing up to do. Or maybe I just need to get better at pretending.
No comments:
Post a Comment