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| Deskercise 7: The Leaning Tower of Cheer. Smiling is mandatory. |
We've all been given pedometers. It's the latest incentive from the Health and Wellbeing Team, who seem curiously keen for employees not to get fat, lazy and inactive behind their brightly lit computer screens. We had fruit of the week, we even had positive thoughts emailed to us to cheer us all up on a Monday morning...
So, what's this latest scheme?
Competition.
In teams of four, we've to count how many steps we take, how many times we take the stairs rather than the lift, how much exercise we do - and especially (wait for it...) how many times we adhere to the officially sanctioned 'Desk Exercise Regime'.
Yes folks, the officially sanctioned Desk Exercise Regime.
You know, years ago, I had a colleague who did office gymnastics. I'd turn around to ask him a question and he'd be doing a handstand or a forward roll or something. Now, to be honest, he was probably doing it to be subversive, rather than to keep fit. I only know this because he also used to drive home at 120mph smoking 'something or other' out of the car window - self preservation wasn't really his thing. Anyway, his deliberately odd behaviour seems like cutting-edge forward thinking now, in the light of the officially sanctioned Desk Exercise Regime. Instead of a difficult conversation with HR, he'd be seen as some sort of prescient guru these days.
Here's what we're supposed to do:
First there's The Daydream.
'Gently pull each elbow to the opposite side overhead and hold for 5 seconds.'
Yep, not so much a daydream if you sit next to someone who's yet to discover deodorant.
Next is the Carpet Gazer.
'Remaining seated, extend your legs and reach towards your toes, hold for 10 seconds.'
It's open to mischief this one. Why not sneak up behind someone doing the Carpet Gazer and launch their wheelie chair across the office? Good exercise all round I'd say.
Meanwhile, the Half Bear Hug is simply fraught with danger.
'Hug one knee at a time, pulling it toward your chest, hold for 5 seconds each side.'
Warning. Do not eat anything indigestible or combustible before attempting the Half Bear Hug. You have been warned.
The Olympic Diver
'Clasp your hands in front of you and lower your head in line with your arms. Hold for 10 seconds. Pretend you actually know how to dive correctly.'
This is going to look weird, isn't it? Move your monitor back first.
When you've done all these of course, there's always the Almost Aerobics Reach.
'Extend each arm overhead and to the opposite side, hold for 5 seconds each side.'
Why not wave at your colleagues while your arm is up there. They'll think you're ever so friendly. You could even keep on typing with the other hand, if you're really worried about missing out on that all important piece of work you have to do by 5pm.
Now the next one, the Freedom Search, I think you could get away with, provided you combine it with a sort of frustrated howl.
'Clasp hands behind your back, push your chest outwards and raise your chin. Hold for 10 seconds.'
I have definitely seen this one happen naturally. It's especially effective at full moon.
And so it goes on: the Robot Dance (swiveling your head), the Leaning Tower of Cheer, the Happy Wave (don't ask) and so forth - all exercises that you can do... sitting down.
Doesn't seem like the best way to do exercise at all does it?
Anyway, I suppose it is better than sitting here scoffing doughnuts.
The pedometers are supposed to track our steps through the month of October by the way, co-inciding cleverly with the exact time of year the old hibernation instinct kicks in.
At the end of the month, the winning team each get £50 Amazon vouchers. Some of the engineers are already trying to work out how they can hack their pedometers, or strap them to the dog or something. I rather think they're missing the spirit of the thing.
"Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition!" exclaimed someone, cheerily.
Well, quite.
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