OUTSTANDING FEATURES

"Will you be dressing up for Halloween?" asked Joe, stirring his tea.

"Probably not," I smiled.

It's that time of year again - the posters are up, and the annual fancy dress work night-out is booked. This year, as an added touch, even the boss is dressing up to present the sales figures... as Dracula, I assume.

"How about you?" I asked. I had no idea what I was going to say next, so out it tumbled...

"I guess it's easier for you," I went on, "You're more of a blank canvas."

Oh.

My.

Word.

What is wrong with me?

Don't worry though, I thought quickly, I've got this covered.

"Oh no, Joe, what I mean is," I went on, hopelessly, "you don't have many... outstanding features..."

Good grief.

He stood there, not knowing what to say. My mind raced through all the potential ways I could tell him his dressing up options were more flexible because he doesn't wear glasses, have a beard or unusual hair, and isn't limited to Short-Sighted Gandalf, Dumbledore or an Ageing Pirate.

He was alright about it. I was mortified! So much for having a way with words! I may as well have called him Mr Potato Head.

Anyway, as I explained, I won't be going out on Halloween because I disagree with it on a number of levels.

Just like Christmas, Halloween is an odd concoction of traditions and rituals that have evolved through the generations. Not all of them are innocent, and not all of them are awful, but unlike Christmas, at its raw and ancient heart, Halloween was always about evil, and I don't really want to have much to do with it.

Part of the reason for that of course is that I have to fight giants of my own, and those giants really have slunk out of the woodwork to torment me through the night.

I don't want to celebrate the same monstrous power that stacks itself against me at the moment. That would be like attaching an IS flag to my car and then telling everyone who stops me, that it's 'just a bit of fun' and that they shouldn't worry about it.

Joe wasn't offended - I think he knew that what I meant was supposed to be a compliment on his fresh-faced look.

Given that my own face looks like it's been kicked by tiny horses and left to dry in a sub-Saharan sirocco, I would have thought it would be obvious.

Oh well.