THE AUTOMATED ANNOUNCERS

"For their own safety, customers are requested to stand well behind the yellow line," said the automated station announcer.

That's very passive, isn't it? Customers are requested. By whom? Who's doing that requesting? The automated station announcer? The Fat Controller? the Queen? The Illuminati?

And who are these 'customers' anyway, and why are we being told about them as though they're part of a story that has nothing to do with us?

I suppose by implication, if you're not a customer, then you're not requested to stand behind the yellow line at all, and in fact, if you haven't paid for a ticket but you are on the platform, Sir Topham Hatt, Her Majesty, President Business, or whomever, isn't all that bothered whether you tumble off the edge into the path of a high speed freight train and get squished. 'You' were not 'requested' to stand behind the yellow line. 'You' did not pay to be there. Bad luck, fare-dodging interlopers.

I think there are lots of ways to rephrase this announcement, and I don't think politeness is the number one priority: I don't think this, or any warning where you might end up flattened, electrocuted or decapitated, is a request. How about:

"Stand behind the yellow line or you will (probably) get hit by a train."

Or just...

"For your own safety, stand well behind the yellow line."

Imperative, active, you're instructed not requested and the impetus is on you to be a responsible citizen.

But this is 'Unexpected item in the bagging area' all over again, isn't it? Why can't we program our robots to use full, unambiguous, active sentences?

Meanwhile in Argos, the tireless announcer's sentences have no verbs at all, and we are all reduced to digits while we wait on the plastic chairs of death.

"Customer number [number] to your collection point please."

It makes you wonder which of us really are the robots, sometimes.

I imagine these automated announcers getting together somewhere in a sort of digital universe, happily welcoming each other and minding the gap and not leaving any unattended baggage... anywhere. One moves through the crowd to buy drinks at the bar.

"You are position _2_ in the queue," says the bartender. "Thank you for your patience. Oh and please wait your turn, for your own safety, behind the yellow line."