LATE NIGHT RADIO QUIZ

I'm stuck in my car outside my house again, listening to the rain. The rain... and the local radio station...

They're playing a quiz where the listeners have to phone in and play twenty questions with the presenter, who is pretending to be someone famous.

"Are you an actor?"

"Yes."

"Are you on TV?"

"Well I suppose I am, yes."

"Are you a newsreader?"

"A newsreader? No." He swallows a guffaw, "No, thanks for calling."

I chuckled to myself.

Another caller. Little bit of banter this time with a regular. From her cracked voice I imagine her sitting in a darkened room with old velvet curtains and a box of Milk Tray chocolates.

"Hello love, are you rolling a ciggie?"

"I beg your pardon!"

"Well the other night you said you liked a cigarette..."

"Yes. Well it's only twenty a day."

"Well if you like it, why not? Why not?"

Unbelievable, I think to myself. Um... maybe because it'll kill you?

She got nowhere useful with the quiz.

Scott from Gosport just phoned in. He asked whether the actor was 'non-British'.

"Yes!"

"Is it Michael Caine?"

I don't know what's wrong with these listeners. I'm not sure they're actually listening.

"Are you a mayor?"

"Um... no, not a ... mayor. Phil in Norbury..."

I can't switch off. It's enthralling. No joy for Phil in Norbury either. Tony in Basingstoke just found out that he's dead. The actor, I mean, not Tony in Basingstoke.

Can Valerie do better?

"Are you Ronald Reagan?"

"Am I Ronald Reagan, Valerie?"

"Well are you?" I suddenly like Valerie a lot.

"YES! I am, Valerie! I'm Ronald Reagan!"

He trumpets his congratulations to Valerie who is relieved but also seems a bit miffed that the prize is only kudos and not something useful.

"I need a lie down, good grief!" he rattles on. "On television, not British, not a mayor (at least not currently anyway), a dead actor: Ronald Reagan. Well who else could it have been?"

Man alive.

"You did really well tonight, thank you for taking part. So it's just coming up to half past ten, almost time for the travel. And how about that rain out there, everybody..."

The car radio gets switched off with an anticlimactic flick of the wrist. It's hammering down. Time to make a dash for it.