HANDSHAKE SOLUTION

I went for coffee today with my friend Tom. Halfway through a deep chat, a man we both know came over to say hello.

Naturally, Tom said hello with a handshake - though at the moment of course, even that is quite a controversial greeting, given that there’s a deadly virus out there passing from human to human. Anyway, without thinking about it, I followed Tom’s lead, and shook his hand too.

He gave me a look. Then he turned to Tom and mouthed the words, ‘a bit limp-wristed’ and stared back at me as though I’d just given him a nettle sandwich and a glass of Castrol.

Now, I’m reporting all of this as fact - it happened in a public place - though I won’t tell you who it was, obviously. I smiled at him, and let love take over as best as I could.

“Come on then, bring it in,” I beamed, holding my hand out a second time. He responded and we shook hands again.

You know that scene in Superman II where Superman comes out of the crystal chamber and kneels before Zod, just before taking Zod’s hand and crushing his fingers like icicles in a hydraulic press?

Yeah, me neither.*

Anyway, I gave him as firm a handshake as I could without it looking like I was auditioning for the Freemasons, and that was that.

Tom laughed at me after he’d gone.

So, it looks like I need to work on my formal handshake! Confidence, squeeze, warmth, single-handed (we’re not insane), oh and everything else that’s needed to prove to the other person that there’s no way at all either of us can reach our swords (dangling on our left sides of course) while each of our fighting arms are locked into this archaic ritual.

That is of course, provided the government doesn’t outlaw the practice to stop the spread of Coronavirus. Perhaps, like that weird video that went viral this week, we’ll all be required to bump elbows instead, as though we were trying to be teenage rappers. It just looked weird when politicians did it in their suits.

If the government do put the kybosh on the old handshake, I’d like to humbly suggest an alternative then - one that would have thoroughly avoided me being silently mortified at coffee-time.

The Japanese bow. Just a nod of the head, or even the whole upper torso (no-one’s thinking about their samurai swords when they’re respectfully angle-poising their head).  No physical contact. No risk of the power-dynamics that lead to President A yanking the arm of Prime Minister B to show him who’s in charge. Just a simple, respectful greeting of humility, dignity, and respect.

Admittedly though, it wouldn’t really have worked for Superman. Not unless he had headbutted Zod mid-bow, into the abyss underneath the Fortress of Solitude. And that isn’t really his dramatic style. Nor mine, thankfully.

*I had to repent later