SLOW AND SLIGHTLY MIFFED

A friend of mine just got a new car. It’s posh. Electric, which is the way of the future; at least until they start making fusion-powered engines. Anyway, his new motor is sleek and quick, and will be perfect for his regular but comfortable commute across the country, fixing database and network issues.

“Have you taken it for wheelies in the Sainsbury’s car park yet?” I texted.

“Not yet,” said he back.

“Well let me know when you’re ready for donuts and handbrake turns and I’ll bring my wheels,” said I, pushing the joke further than it really ought to be pushed. He didn’t reply.

Fusion-powered electric cars would be incredible. Could you imagine having basically unlimited, non-polluting fuel? A tiny nuclear reactor whirring away under the hood, smashing atoms together on the M6. I mean yes, obviously there’s the small chance of blowing yourself to pieces, but it’d be worth the risk wouldn’t it? And I’m sure someone clever could work out all the safety and lead-lining bits. Maybe it would even save the planet from petroleum-fuelled climate change?

Funny. It was the discovery/invention of petroleum that saved the sperm whales. Up until the 20th century, whale oil was the one thing powering lamps and heating homes in America. Nowadays, companies like Shell and BP make billions of dollars profit each year, we pump the atmosphere full of carbon dioxide, and the whales are still endangered, as I suppose we all are. But let’s not get into that.

Meanwhile it turns out that not everyone finds the idea of two middle-aged IT professionals screeching round Sainsbury’s car park amusing. I however, think it’s a really funny image; men in jumpers racing their comfy saloons and people-carriers off the lights. I slide my spectacles up my nose and nod. My colleague grins as he checks his tie and seatbelt. The engines rev, Radio 4 blaring, and the rattle of an empty Starbucks cup in the coffee holder. It’s more Slow and Slightly Miffed than Fast and Furious but it’s got the same tension, I reckon.

Anyway, bring on the fusion. Not that the big oil giants will let it happen. I have a feeling they’re not really into saving the whales.