CONFIDENCE DROUGHT

I’m having a tough time inside my head at the moment. It’s okay, I’m not crumbling or anything, just really struggling with confidence.

It’s multilayered; I can’t give you the whole thing, just a little portion. The smallest scorpions sting the worst though, don’t they? Like someone pointing out you’re not very good at a thing you thought you could do very well indeed, or you realise that the things you are truly excellent at will never earn you a penny.

Not that it’s all about money. As I say, it’s about personal confidence. And it’s not to do with marriage either - that’s wonderful, and my wife is the champion encourager of my world. No, it’s about feeling like you’re making a difference, finding some genuine affirmation at work, having days of satisfaction. It’s about writing poems you love and seeing others love them too, or crafting a song that’s fresh and doesn’t sound exactly like every other song in your creaking repertoire.

And I don’t feel like I can do any of those things at the moment. I feel old and tired: far too grey to be the song writer I once yearned to be, and far too cluttered to finally put that illustrated poetry book together. And if today’s anything to go by, I’m not entirely certain I’m clever enough to do my job well either - which would be a kicker if it turned out to be true.

But it’s a big picture, and we’re still dealing in portions. And I am aware that these portions are probably just inside my head.

So, how do you boost your confidence? Risk and reward? Leap and expect a soft landing to rise up to meet you? There’s a lot of courage in that; an awful lot of trusting God, and still more the draw on an energy reserve you probably don’t think you have.

Con-fid-ence, with faith, enveloping an inner trust, a surging belief, a great strength. En-cour-age: build heart, encompass courage, grow strength.

I always said if you lack something yourself you should give it away to get it back. I don’t think it works with money, but it might just work with encouragement. Hmm. Maybe that strength is in me. Though getting up tomorrow and feeling it might be a tall ask right now.