PILES OF BOXES

I’ve never known stress like this. I sat through a month of finals with exam topics I didn’t understand, I lost my passport the night before going on holiday, I even navigated through that day-before-the-wedding, and none of it, not one moment of any of that was close to the heart-tearing, soul-stretching, emotion-ripping stress that’s happening this week.

What causes it? The pressure of last-minute decisions? Someone else caring greatly about the outcome of your actions? Simply not having enough time to get everything done and fearing someone will shout at you?

This time it’s a collision of things. We are now relying completely on a neighbour to do something so that we can move. If she doesn’t do it by Friday, everything we’re trying to do to get out of here, all of it, falls apart.

Packing a whole flat is difficult too. Even with the mantra of ‘box it or bin it’ it still seems so tight, and lots of our friends are coming to help us - which is great. I don’t know how we’re going to do it.

Throw on top of that the return to work today and I’m in meltdown. I don’t understand a big bit of work that was due last Friday, and all I’m doing so far is annoying everyone by asking them for help.

So. All in all, I feel stupid, incompetent, afraid, depressed, worried, pressured, panicky and boiling. Boiling like a volcano afraid to erupt. By the way, I know I’m not actually stupid or incompetent: I do feelthose things though.

Because we’re in transition I’m also surrounded by piles of stuff in cardboard boxes. Going to the loo is a bit like the Krypton Factor - there’s a certain logic to not knocking things over or wedging your back into a door handle.

I really liked The Krypton Factor. It was a show in which real people had to use logic, problem solving, and even physical strength to win. There was always a round where you had to figure out how to put together the fragmented pieces of a puzzle. Next thing you know you’re racing over an A frame on a muddy course with an army instructor shouting at you. Now that’s stress! You don’t see many shows like that these days. Shame. It was brilliant.

Also. We’re kind of homeless as of Friday. I mention it last because amazingly that little detail seems like the least of our worries right now. I’m pretty sure we’ll end up somewhere, but it’s a bit troubling that we can’t quite pin down where yet.

I don’t know if I’m right about stress. If it ultimately comes from caring too much, or from other people caring too little, then how do you avoid it? It’s woven into life. And I’ve been on so many stress-management courses in my time, that I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do at all to stop feeling like this. What was the use of any of them?

Where are you, Inner-Obama? Where’s that steely resolve? Where’s the coolness on the nuclear button?

Well. Anyway. All we can do is keep going, I suppose. Deep breathing. Carry on. Trust. Pray.