"We really appreciate the way you've handled this," said Dan today. It was my 'final' formal consultation meeting. I wanted to tell him that it was faith that had helped me do that. I chickened out.
He's right though; it would be so easy to be angry about it. In the Me-First economy, that's exactly what would be expected I suppose: a tantrum. But it's not my style.
The finality of it hit me though today, in a way that last week's meetings didn't. That was unexpected - that difference between the signpost that says 'End of the Road' and the actual End of the Road.
Well, almost the actual end of the road; I'm being put on garden leave for a few weeks. It is though (and I always knew it would be, really) irreversible.
Sometimes people say things like, "Oh I really admire your faith," and, "I think your faith gives you such strength, and I so envy that!" They usually follow it up with something about how they themselves just can't leap over reason and science to believe in a God. Then they smile as if to say 'good for you' while also suppressing what they actually think about the intellectual choice to believe in an 'imaginary friend'.
But it's risky, faith. Far from a comfort blanket, or a power supply, it causes you to lean in to the unseen, to rely on something unprovable - like leaping into a safety net you can't see. It gets you unfocused from the facts, and refocused on the hope - which is why it also gets into so much difficulty when it's face-to-face with science.
And faith separates us. It can be lonely. Suddenly, we're reminded that we're looking at situations from a very different framework, through a different pair of spectacles, and advice isn't always coming from the same worldview. I'm not sure I've always liked that. The risk of trusting an unseen God sometimes feels like one big cosmic gamble. What I should have said to HR and to my manager, is that I have no choice but to take it.
I've always thought of faith as two things. On the one hand it's the leap, but I think it's also putting things into practice. It's taking out insurance but trusting God that you'll never need it. It's knowing how gravity works but walking on water anyway; it's leaping, but knowing he'll catch you. Getting that balance right - faith and wisdom, I reckon that takes a lifetime of practice.
Anyway, the final consultation was formulaic, and it ended quickly and amicably. There was time for me to ask practical questions, including how and when I can actually say goodbye to people; what the process is for returning my work laptop; what the timescale might be for the next few weeks, and of course, what's expected of me for the rest of this week. Not very much.
"Once again, Matt, we're really grateful for everything you've done," said Dan. For the first time, I wondered whether he meant a year and two months' worth of work - or not throwing a tantrum at them. I smiled back, weakly, feeling like the sun on a wintry afternoon. I need faith - holding on through this is going to take some guts, I reckon.
I swallowed my winter-smile, then thanked them for their part in the process as professionally as I could. Inside though, I was praying hard. Jesus, help me.
No comments:
Post a Comment