MULTIVITAMINS

I’m on these new male multiple vitamin tablets. All you need to be a healthy man, I guess, although I’d argue they can’t give you a backslapping sporting event or a cool pint after a day’s hard work. Joke.

Anyway. It’s too early to tell whether they’re doing any good. I suppose they might be. Part of the problem though is that, to put it bluntly, they stink.

Oh boy do they smell. Opening the jar is like letting a flatulent wet dog into the room. It’s egg and cabbage, methane and rotting tires, tinged with burnt hair and a hint of old rubber. I think we need a fume cupboard.

Tonight I screwed my eyes up as I carefully twisted the lid. Then I quickly popped it off and reached inside for one the lozenge-shaped multivitamins. That was enough to do it. I quickly slipped it into my trembling mouth, and even faster, reached for the cup of tea next to me, to swill it down.

Is it okay to use tea to swallow tablets? I guess it is, but you should probably use water really. Any doctors out there know? Anyone want to tell me it’s fine as long as it’s not whisky?

Urgh tablets. The other day in the pharmacy, I was looking around the packed shelves at all the medications and creams and terrifying posters. I stopped by the pill pot organisers, wondering just how long I might live before I really need one of those. It made me feel a bit depressed, to be honest - but then, the pharmacy often does.

Do you ever wonder whether at some point, all the young people in the world were suddenly hit by an ageing ray that turned them into pensioners overnight? One minute they’re gathered around a field singing peace songs with crossed legs and rainbow guitars, the next thing they know, the ground is scattered with daisy petals, and every joint in their body throbs beneath their wrinkled skin. It must feel a bit like that, I reckon.

Anyway, these new multivitamins are a toxic hazard in a bottle. I’m continuing with them though - one a day, usually in the evening, as directed. I think I ought to start taking them with meals though because the reflux after gulping one down is… well, I’m sure you can imagine.