NOT WITH IT

I’m not with it today. Funny little phrase that, isn’t it? The ‘it’ isn’t defined, so it can mean all sorts of things, everything from ‘the latest cool thing’ to ‘the thing that’s going on right now’ - which is how I mean to use it; whatever that ‘it’ is, whatever the thing that is going on right now is, I’m not with it. I mean I'm also not exactly hip, cool, or trendy either, but there's no need to point out the obvious.

It’s okay. Being not with it has happened before; it’ll happen again. It’s a sort of ‘idling’ state, a thinking-holding-pattern. I’m walking around more slowly, I’ve got a dazed look and I’m ponderous in my responses to people. I can’t help it. And it’s weird and antisocial, and I’m sorry about that. Plus it seems unnecessarily deep.

The thing is, I don’t even know what I’m busy thinking about! I just woke up like this! I mean, I dreamed that we went to Australia and I drove off the end of a road into the sky - but that surely couldn’t be it, could it? 

Not being able to express it makes it worse then, because when Sammy asks if I’m okay, or what’s making me quiet or sad, I can’t say. I don’t have the language for it. I’m simply not with it.

Thankfully, she knows that at some point it will all come spewing out like hot lava from a volcano. Could be just before we go to bed, could be tomorrow - but it will all come out, and then I’ll feel much better, provided she doesn’t feel much worse.