THE DAD COURSE

Dads, is there a special course that you guys have to go on? I mean like a training course where they teach you how to turn lights out while your children are still in the room? Perhaps a session or two on Advanced Thermostat Control, or even How to Tut From Behind a Newspaper.

I rather like the idea of a Dad Course - teaching young men how to be fathers. I hope there is one - I can't wait to learn more ways to announce that I'm taking out the dustbins.

In our house, we have the same conversation every Sunday, when my own Pop announces it, announces that he's doing it and then returns announcing that he's done it. He's masterful at the dustbin conversation - throwing in a few comments about the recycling bag not blowing over or what Ray next door is up to positioning his wheelie bin on the actual pavement. We're always aware which week it is and which bin has to sit at the end of the drive, all thanks to the good old dustbin conversation. I guess his in-depth dustbin reporting has come with years of experience. If any of you novice dads are looking for tips from a wise old practitioner of the art, I can send him round.

What else is on the Dad Course? Weather Chat? My guess is that my Dad adapted his ability to weather chat from the module on Football Blaggery that the rest of you must have done during your training. He doesn't know his stanchions from his stadiums but by golly he can point out a cumulonimbus. The day we saw a circumzenithal rainbow lives long in legend (I thought he was going to pop with excitement) alongside the fabled night he spotted the Northern Lights over Caversham.

I suppose if I could suggest anything for the Dad Course, I'd throw in a few lectures on Slipper Locating. I'm just not sure that angrily throwing all your other shoes out of the wardrobe will do it - especially when they always seem to be under the sofa. Also, I'd probably want to learn how to pass on some of this excellent training to my children, instead of complaining about how biased the BBC is but for some unfathomable reason not actually switching channels.

Oh by the way, if any of you would like to know, I sat here and typed this in the dark.