LISTENING TO CRICKET

I fell asleep listening to the test match this afternoon. This is all part of my plan to find out more about cricket: how it works, what the rules are, how to understand the language. As the summer yawns open with the satisfying knocks of English willow on New Zealand leather, I thought I might as well give it a jolly good go. Plus, for the purposes of catchup, I should explain that some time ago, I accidentally volunteered to organise a cricket match for work.

The commentators on the radio were discussing moustaches.

"No no, it was one of those long droopy ones," said one of them, remonstrating.

"Handlebar?" asked the other.

"Gosh no - those have those twiddly bits sticking out don't they? No, it was more long and sort of melancholy and... I say!"

"Yes, that'll go for four out there over extra cover. Marvellous footwork."

The crowd erupted with applause which crackled over the radio.

"So it was more of a horseshoe shape?"

"Ah yes, that was it, the horsehose. Ridiculous. Have you ever considered a moustache, Tuffers?"

"Me? No. Things'd get stuck in it, wouldn't they?" said Tuffers, joining the conversation. "Mostly foam, I expect."

"Shaving?"

"Beer."

They all laughed.

I must have dropped off shortly after that - I can't remember anything else. England were 'levelling the playing field' at one point, which struck me as a bit of an odd thing to do, and someone said the next hour and a half would be crucial. Ninety-something for three, whatever that means. Clearly, it couldn't have been that crucial or they wouldn't have been discussing facial hair during a national sports commentary.

Later, I found out that one of the England batsmen had displayed a masterclass in batting his innings against the New Zealand bowlers. He scored a hundred runs from 80-odd balls, which is one of the fastest test centuries in English history. It turned the match around and boosted confidence in our much-lamented cricket team.

I slept right through the whole thing, dreaming about handlebar moustaches.