Tiredness pulls me one way, faithfulness pulls the other. I want to stay and help, I want to work late, I want to be at the mission but my body is telling me to recharge itself or the choice will be taken away from me. What is the wise thing to do then? Rely on a kind of Isaiah-40 super-energy or go home and go to sleep? Don't judge me but I chose sleep tonight.
Fear pulls me one way, devotion the other. Fear shouldn't win but often it does. What's the wise thing to do? Fight or flight? Well, that was yesterday's thought, I suppose, while I considered myself more of a spectator than a bungee jumper. Fear can be overcome.
Pride pulls me one way, honour pulls me the other. I want me to be brilliant and for everyone to tell me that, but I also really want the opposite of that altogether. I want to be invisible, actually. And yet also noticed. But stll invisible.
Loneliness pulls me one way, hope pulls me the other. I can't see a way of breaking the cycle, feeling connected to a someone and being significant, yet I hope that something miraculous happens to me or by me, somehow. I appreciate that that is a little confusing but I didn't order this tension; it just happened.
As if all that weren't tense enough, work pulls me one way, home pulls me another, family pulls me another and church yet another. It's like being in the middle of a cats cradle.
Sometimes figuring out wisdom isn't all that easy. I'm going to need some courage to say no to things that are awesome. I'm going to need some strength to overcome my deepest fears, some boldness to be a let-down to people who expect me to be at things I ought to be at, and a lot of clever ways to slow down the treadmill.
I matter, you see. And what I can do, is, has always been, and will always be, way less important than who I am.
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