RED SNEAKERS

Right, back to it then, the old life-thing. Holiday over, hit the ground running and off we go again.

The hay fever's back too, would you believe. I bought some nasal spray, which I injected into each nostril (that was a sight) and then immediately sneezed back out again. It seems to have had virtually no effect - my sinuses are almost constantly congested. I am breathing entirely through my mouth.

"You're looking brown," said Rory, beaming.

"I've got no reason to be," I said, "It rained almost the whole time." I noted that Rory himself had gone a Mediterranean colour after his own holiday on Crete; I was almost albino by comparison. "Must be the open collar and the trainers," I said, glancing at my cool, red, canvas sneakers. I didn't feel quite so cool later on when I had to walk home in them, in the rain. Another wet-foot trudge.

The old life-thing is difficult. I've found myself (not deliberately) resuming with my inadequacy, trying to work out why it matters so much that I feel so hopeless at everything. People are astounded at that, but I genuinely do feel it - inadequate, I mean.

We played another barn dance gig last night and right in the middle of the Nottingham Swing Set, I listened to myself showing off. It's not good enough, is it? I twiddled into the blues and as usual went completely over the top, seemingly just because I could. It's terrible musicianship.

"How do you think it went?" I asked at the end.

"Rusty," said Tom, honestly.

I'll say.

It's not just the Nottingham Swing set or Circassian Circle or whatever, it's everything. I don't have the ability to leap to the next level, and that is exactly where I need to be - especially at the moment. We're in a church season where everything has shifted, and shifted suddenly. Even after walking and thinking around Lyme Regis, I still don't have a clue how to catch up. I am inadequate, stuck in the wrong season and out of time. It's as though I've turned up for a dinner party in a yellow sou'wester and Wellington boots, or a barbecue in a tuxedo or something.

Though I guess that one would be alright if I wore my cool, red sneakers.

Perhaps I just need to let go of all this and remember who I am. After all, it's not the sneakers that make anybody cool, is it? And I have a feeling that my own inadequacies won't matter all that much once I figure out who I really am.