CANADIAN CANOE

I went to the gym this morning. That’s not unusual - I go a couple of times (hmm) once (okay) perhaps… once a week, these days.

Well. I have volunteered to row a handmade boat for fundraising for our church, and it has occurred to me that I might need to do some training before we hit the Thames.

The gym then. It’s been emptier recently. In the prepandemic era, it could get busy. The guys with triangular torsos would clunk heavy weights around and shout; the classes would be thundering on the mats as they did rope and kettle bell exercises, and above it all, the non-stop pounding of knock-off 80 bpm dance classics.

They’ve always got lyrics like ‘You and me we’re gonna fly, through the sky, so high, forever…’ or ‘You make me want to take my clothes off and dance through the night,’ one of which is impossible, the other might be the behaviour of someone in need of a hot chocolate and a sit down.

I like to think that behind the door where the PTs go, they’re all back there listening to Mozart and Chopin.

Anyway. I did a row. I did my classic 2 kilometres and tried for under 12 minutes because I’m cool. Good start.

The handmade boat is a Canadian canoe. I know, the vocab around canoes is confusing, but I always call an open-topped, long, 2-person paddler a ‘Canadian’ and the little 1-person thing you sit in a ‘kayak’. Am I right? Who knows. It’s one of them open-topped ones anyway innit. I’ve seen it. It’s absolutely beautiful. If it sank with me in it, I’d be more upset that it sank than I would be about the impending fact that I’d need to swim for it.

I figured out where all the triangular men were. They were in the changing room. I grabbed my bag from my locker, switching past torsos in towels, trying not to make eye contact. Orange high-vis trousers hung over the pegs and the floor was piled with heavy-duty timberland boots. Hard to tell whether their shift was over or just beginning.

Meanwhile the perpetual music pumped on. Who records this stuff? Thump thump thump thump I wanna climb into your world thump thump thump spend my time with you thump thump thump tell you that I rowed thump thump thump a Canadian canoe… 

I made that up. Next time I’m going to try 3km in 15 minutes, I think. I might also remember to charge up my wireless headphones.