FLY AT YOUR OWN ALTITUDE

So Virgin Atlantic, the international airline are running an ad campaign suggesting that you ‘fly at your own altitude’.

Now then. Despite their protestation that ‘you are born to fly’ I’m not entirely sure it’s a practical suggestion. What does it mean, do you think? Be your own boss? Don’t let anyone set the path for you, choose your way, be in the driving seat, be the… pilot? Wait, what?

Imagine if GWR trains suggested I was born to be a train driver, or that getting on the 8:02 Paddington service meant I could choose its speed. Yeah! 200mph an hour please! Live life on your terms, choose your own track! Don’t be dictated to by the simple laws of physics; you’re in the hot seat - you choose where to go!

I know what they’re up to over at VAHQ. They want us to think of ourselves as individuals who can go anywhere we choose to because of their thousands of available flights. They’re catering to our self-absorbed need to be comfortable and our desire to travel for work or for pleasure, despite the obvious fact that we all have to squeeze into those flying tubes like cattle with suitcases.

I can’t fly at my own altitude, Mr Branson. For one thing they won’t let me into the cockpit to try, and for another, I’m quite happy with someone else working out all the ‘details’ of how to get an aeroplane from airport A to airport B. Really quite happy.

And I’m not sure I’m ‘born to fly’ either. You must be confusing me with a pigeon, or perhaps Tom Cruise, whom I believe still has the need for speed and a private plane he can happily fly himself.

No. What I’m born to do is to be down here on the ground trying not to wreck the environment. I’m all for the great empowering of the self - I think we should have confidence to be who we’re made to be, but I don’t believe that confidence shows up by climbing into a sweaty bus with wings. Tom can set his own altitude. So can a pigeon. I’m happy with mine being approximately five feet above ground level for now thanks.