I agree - it makes no sense. But it is what it is: a kind of perpetual motion machine designed by HR to keep us in a constant state of flux.
I got a packet of parma violets (think 1980s air-freshener that's somehow been squeezed into a sugary coating) and some 'Love Hearts'.
We used to see this kind of thing all the time when we were kids: Sherbert dabs, Refreshers, Dweebs and Nerds, those ones that looked like cigarettes that you could pretend to smoke with on cold days in the playground... erm... yes, really... and Love Hearts.
I think the idea was that you could give them to people you 'fancied' as a silent token of affection. They had sweet messages printed on them inside a heart-shape - kind of old-fashioned things that you'd never be brave enough to say: "I love you." or "Be my beau" or "You're my favourite".
How times change. I wasn't going to give mine away today, so I ate them, but not without analysing them first. Here's how the pack unfolded:
Wicked
Er, what? That's just a word, an adjective of dubious meaning. Traditionally of course, reserved for evil activity or object. Sure, these days it can be used to describe anything that's unexpectedly brilliant in a postmodern kind of 'so awesome it's terrible, which also means awesome' kind of way - but even that use is kind of ageing isn't it? Do kids still click their fingers and say 'Wicked!' like we did in the 90s? I can't see it.
That leaves 'wicked' in a kind of no-man's-land between evil and brilliant. Hardly suitable for sweets, wouldn't you say?
My Ideal
Okay, this is a bit more like it. But could you really give that to someone without heaping a load of pressure on them?
"Hey you're perfect for me," seems a little heavy, especially if you're too afraid to talk to the person - and, as if that person never needs to change! I may be off-beam here, but part of the secret of long-lasting relationships is change itself, and how you grow and adapt together around it. That's beauty that you can't imagine. You don't start at perfection! And even if you could, it's all got to be all down-hill from there, hasn't it?
The only thing I think I would give that love-heart to is a cup of Russian Caravan tea, with a Jaffa Cake on the saucer. But of course, the introduction of a tiny sugar-bomb to that equation would spoil the whole thing and render the sentiment worthless.
Tweet Me
How very Twenty First Century. Are tweets romantic though? The last few I've sent were a caustic reply to a funny radio presenter, a quip at a TV personality, and a short missive to a lady whose parcel fell through my letterbox on Saturday morning.
Plus, tweets are very public aren't they? The last thing I need is someone giving me a lovely Public Display of Affection. That kind of thing makes me shudder with embarrassment.
All I can imagine is that back in the old days, the equivalent Love Heart said 'phone me' or something, and an over-eager executive at Love-Hearts-HQ had a brainwave.
Grow Up
The wind whispers through the trees as the moon paints the rustling leaves in silver. An owl hoots a melody and the distant ocean gently laps the white sand in the distance, under the sparkling night of a thousand glittering stars. You lean in for the kiss, cheek touching warm cheek in the soft-edged lamplight. Then gently, she leans to your ear and softly whispers...
"Grow up."
Wait, what?
Grow Up
And again - two in a row. What does it mean? How is it in the least bit romantic?
Spoil Me
Okay. I'll buy you loads of stuff you don't really want or need until you expect the entire world to treat you the same way, as though you were the sun in a universe that was always designed to revolve around you and only you. That'll make for a great relationship. Watch me as I spin forever in your beautiful shadow.
Sweet Heart
Ah finally! It took me until the end of the packet to find something suitable for a Love Heart. In fact, you might even have found one of these 'sweet heart' Love Hearts back in the 70s or 80s.
I guess the Love-Heart-HQ executives around the table just couldn't let go of this one. And who could blame them? It reminds us all that what we're actually doing is exchanging sweets, not gigantic tokens of burgeoning infatuation - just sweets, which you'll agree, like an overwhelming romance of flowers, teddies, violins and PDAs, are probably not very good for us in the long run. Not very good at all.
Mind you, I can talk. I just ate the whole pack myself.
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