PLANET OF THE APES

It's more than two years ago now since I went to the gym in Toronto. I came back from that experience, feeling relieved that that world (the world of workouts and weights) wasn't the jungle of gorillas, the planet of the apes, I had imagined it would be.

Oh there are gyms like that, I'm sure, where the silver-backs preen themselves in the mirror while curling their enormous muscles around their tiny dumb bells. But it's not most places - not these days, thankfully.

It's strange then, that it's taken me this long to join a gym.

Let's call it what it is: laziness. Two years of lazy procrastination. So, this weekend I finally did something about it.

"So what do you want to get out of your workouts?" asked Kelly the Trainer on my induction the other day. I thought about it for less than a second.

"I just want to feel alive," I said, "... and not bloated like a fat couch potato all the time."

And so it is. I went this morning for my first proper workout.

It occurred to me afterwards, as I drove to work, that I totally understand why people obsess over it. The rush of endorphins could easily be addictive! I felt really good! No wonder, I reasoned to myself, people post sweaty selfies and maps of their runs, or photographs of the cross-trainer with indecipherable (but supposedly impressive) numbers on it.

Don't worry. I will resist the temptation to do the same - though I do think there's something to be said for feeling proud of yourself for making your life better.

My only hope is that I can keep it going! I think it'll be a little-and-often thing, interspersed with walking to work and an occasional run. I'm hoping that a routine will really help me feel a bit more human and alive.

It does seem odd, now, just sitting in a chair all day, tapping away at a keyboard for the gratification of others, eating cake and chattering in the kitchen.

I guess that's the great myth isn't it? It wasn't the gym that was the planet of the apes at all! One thing's for sure though: I'm growing a bit tired of sitting around like a slowly ballooning orangutan.

I've had enough of that.