VOLCANO PREVENTION

I had an opportunity last night to get really mad. I was frustrated by something, so I wandered around from room to room, stewing it over like a steadily boiling kettle.

I desperately want to be more chilled out. I want to be like Jack Johnson or one of those laid-back dudes who just know how to sink their toes into the sand and listen to the waves.

Why won't life let me do that? Instead, I seem to be surrounded by a world that's out to hurt my feelings at every possible opportunity and an emotional skin so thin that I might as well be see-through.

This is another example of the perception-reality gap. I think I make assumptions that everyone else either does, or ought to, care about ALL of the things I care about. I get bewildered by the fact that they don't.

But thinking about it now, that is completely silly. Yet it seems to be my default perception. So, when someone moves a meeting, or cancels a catchup in favour of something else, or decides something without asking, the gap comes caving in and suddenly I realise that the reality for them, was very different after all.

I was furious. I wrote and deleted an email, then rewrote it again, trying to be nice. Then I deleted it again, realising that there was no way to conceal my volcanic outburst. I also knew that had I said everything I wanted to say, I would have clicked 'Send' and within a matter of minutes I would be inconsolable with guilt, checking my inbox every two minutes, just to make sure I hadn't offended anybody. If anything, that feeling is actually worse than dealing with the irascible frustration that preceded it.

If in doubt, leave it out, says a quiet, rational part of my brain at times like this. I think I inherited it from my Dad.

So I ran a hot bath and listened to some more Proverbs. I do hate it when my heart beats faster and I'm fuming about something I already know isn't all that important.

I had a friend once who taught me that we're measured by our reactions to things - not by the things themselves. In other words, bad news is always a matter of perspective.

Today then, I'm quite glad I didn't send that email. It honestly would not have been worth it. I would have felt better for around twenty five seconds, and then I would have felt much much worse.

I don't know whether I did stop a volcano with a hot bath, or whether I just bottled it up, but I'm glad I chose that option.